A minor collection of jokes. The newest jokes are on the bottom.

DAD: Son... your mother tells me you don't believe in Santa Claus. Is that true?

SON: That's right. I'm not going to pretend I believe that junk, just because it makes you and mom happy.

DAD: Welcome to adulthood, son. Hope you enjoy playing with pants and socks, because that's all you'll be getting as presents from now on.

DAD: Son, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he would read every book he could get.

SON: Dad, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window! --Steve Bluestone

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. --Ed Bluestone

When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.

A guy goes to see his doctor. He says to the doctor, Doctor, I am suffering from silent gas emissions. All day at work, I had silent gas emissions. Last night during a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions. This morning in the car on the way to your office, I had five silent gas emissions. And while waiting in your waiting room I had three silent gas emissions. The doctor replied, well, the first thing we're going to check is YOUR HEARING!

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

The bullet whizzed past me and buried itself harmlessly in the head of the maid. - from S. J. Perleman film script.

From the Honolulu Advertiser more than 20 years ago as printed in Ann Landers, Sunday, April 7, 1996, (slightly rephrased):

Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of Communist China.

The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

What to Do With Hotel Soap

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of it's guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times!

Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. Berman

Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid

Dear Maid I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wednesday, so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance. Your regular maid. Dotty

Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay.

I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them moved. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess: - On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. - On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. - On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, - 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. - Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. - In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. - On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. - On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman

Bad Analogies: Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

Veni, Vedi, Velcro.

I came, I saw, I stuck with it.

A man walks into confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned..."

The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?"

"Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend."

"Oh is that all? Say five Hail Mary's and may the Lord be with you."

The man replies, "but I really need to talk about it."

"Let's have it then," the priest says as he leans back on the hard wooden bench.

You see Father, "I was playing golf this weekend and on the first tee, I was lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into the trees."

"And that's when you cursed aloud?" the Father queried.

"No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green from a nice lie; when all of a sudden, a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up a tree."

"That must have been when you cursed?"

"No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the squirrel with its talons. The bird flew out the trees and back out over the green. Then, the squirrel dropped my ball from its mouth landing 5 inches from the cup!"

"And that's when you cursed aloud," the priest said assuredly.

"No, no.."

The Father interjected, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!"

This is an optical illusion math joke. Have some one add the following, many people will get it wrong.

30
1000
40
1000
20
1000
10

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Micorsoft's rights).

You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat. Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking, and press start. The oven will calculate the time, and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specifications.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. 

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advanced.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a but. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

knowledge is power

time is money

power = work / time therefore:

knowledge = work / money

solve for money:

money = work / knowledge

Thus regardless of work done, as knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity. Thus the less you know, the more money you make.

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nut-ball who digs things out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway... here's the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing.

Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.

Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie."

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-homonids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino.

Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for theacceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it.

We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities

Here it is - the latest news from Europe.

The News Standard has received this bulletin fresh from our Brussels- based News Service...

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by v.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

Two top movie producer was discussing his new project - an action Docudrama about famous composers with several top stars. Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Van Damme were present. The producers really desired the box office 'Oomph' of these three, so they were prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would portray.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, "I'll play him."

The producers were pleased. "Sounds splendid. But, who do you want to be, Arnold?".

Arnold says ....

....(Wait for it)......

...... (it's a good one!).....

"I'll be Bach."

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The Bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms".

"No matter," said the man, "observe". He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name", the bishop sadly replied, "but his face sure rings a bell".

*** (As if that's not bad enough... There's more) ***

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless bell ringer, the Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in the duty".

The Bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the Bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

What has happened? the first breathlessly asked. Who is this man?

I don't know his name, sighed the distraught bishop, but he's a dead ringer for his brother.

"Cold" is a relative term. Use the handy list below to overcome the confusion.

Degrees (Fahrenheit)

* 65F Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night 
* 60F Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one) 
* 50F Miami residents turn on the heat 
* 45F Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts 
* 40F You can see your breath Californians shiver uncontrollably Minnesotans go swimming 
* 35F Italian cars don't start 
* 32F Water freezes 
* 30F You plan your vacation to Australia 
* 25F Ohio water freezes Californians weep pitiably Minnesotans eat ice cream Canadians go swimming 
* 20F Politicians begin to talk about the homeless New York City water freezes Miami residents plan vacation further South 
* 15F French cars don't start Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you 
* 10F You need jumper cables to get the car going 
* 5F American cars don't start 
* 0F Alaskans put on T-shirts 
* -10 German cars don't start Eyes freeze shut when you blink 
* -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects Miami residents cease to exist 
* -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you Politicians actually do something about the homeless Minnesotans shovel snow off roof Japanese cars don't start 
* -25 Too cold to think You need jumper cables to get the driver going 
* -30 You plan a two week hot bath Swedish cars don't start 
* -40 Californians disappear Minnesotans button top button Canadians put on sweaters Your car helps you plan your trip South 
* -50 Congressional hot air freezes Alaskans close the bathroom window 
* -80 Hell freezes over Polar bears move South Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game 
* -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

More Fun Things To Do In An Elevator.

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 
2. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space". 
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "shut up, dammit, all of you just shut up!" 
4. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 
5. On a long ride, sway back and forth to the natural frequency of the elevator. 
6. Shave. 
7. Crack open your briefcase, bag or purse and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" 
8. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down. 
9. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall without getting off. 
10. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 
11. Lean over to another passenger and whisper "Noogie Patrol Coming!" 
12. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 
13. Stare, grinning at another passenger for awhile and then announce "I've got new socks on!" 
14. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness". 
15. Meow occasionally 
16. Bet the other passengers that you can fit a quarter in your nose. 
17. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continuously pushing buttons. 
18. Holler "Chutes Away!" whenever the elevator descends. 
19. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side. 
20. Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to a far corner of the elevator. 
21. Burp, then say "Mmmm......Tasty". 
22. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 
23. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to the other passengers through it. 
24. When the elevator is silent, look around and say "Is that your beeper?" 
25. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 
26. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers. 
27. Bring a chair along. 
28. Take a bite of sandwich and say to another passenger: "Wanna see wha in ma mouf?" 
29. Blow spit bubbles. 
30. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 
31. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body!" 
32. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. 
33. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 
34. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler: "Bad Touch!" 
35. In hospital elevators, announce: "The doc says I got herpes, so I gotta burn all the furniture."

You might be a child of the 80's if...
...you have deep, personal relationships via computers with people you've never met in real life before.
...the phrase "going courting", to you, means fighting an unjust traffic ticket or playing tennis.
...you know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song.
...not that you'd do it personally, but body piercing captivates your attention.
...you remember the days when cocaine was just fine in powder form, thankyouverymuch.
...you think the "the Gay 90's" refers to this decade, and people's sexual orientation.
...the Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories.
...you remember the first time "Space: Above and Beyond" aired - it was called "Battlestar Galactica".
...songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day.
...three words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar?
...you remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasn't an expensive option that required gadgets - it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer!
...you remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone for the weekend".
...you remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV
...you ever owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels" - that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market.
...a predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid".
...you're pissed that you couldn't really participate in the 60's, pissed that you were a part of the 70's, think you wasted too much time doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80's, and still have no clue what the 90's are all about.
...you see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad.
...while in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.
...you remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was.
...one of the top five questions you've always wanted answered was to Robert Smith of the Cure - "What WAS that head on the door thing anyway?"
...you were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the name "JFK", the first thing you think of is "Oliver Stone".
...you, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It's the end of the world as we know it".
...you can't remember when the word "networking" didn't have a computer connotation to it as well
...you took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.
...you knew all the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire", but it really didn't hold any meaning for you until about the third verse.
...you've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut"
...you watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time.
...you've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phases: - "When I was younger" - "When I was your age" - "You know, back when..." - "Because I SAID so, that's why" - "What the HELL is this noise on the radio?" - "Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to"
...you can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve 49,000 selections to choose from.
...Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.
...Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss you off by calling you "sir" or "ma'am".
...you're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing, and you're ready to marry the next person who cards you when you want to buy cigarettes.
...flashback: it was your first chance to vote in a presidential election, and you were SO disappointed because, just for laughs, you really wanted to vote for Gary Hart.
...the first time you heard the candidates names, you were pumped because you thought MICHAEL Jackson was running for President, not this Jesse character.
...you ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.
...at one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm.
..."Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance.
...the first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.
...there were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter".
...you ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons.
...you used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time.
...you remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete.
...the phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.
...you read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake.
...honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.
...you ever had nightmares about the giant red evil robot Maximillian from the Disney movie "The Black Hole" and those blender attachments he had for hands.
...you were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his clothes and talked strangely.
...(guys) your first wet dream occurred to thoughts of Jeannie, Marsha Brady, Samantha from Bewitched or, for those hardcore comic fans out there, Daphne from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats.
...(girls) you thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's photographer" on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.
...you're still occasionally suffering flashbacks from your 21st birthday party.
...you're starting to dread you're 30th birthday, and have even begun going into denial about it's possibility.
...you've ever said "I'm a vegetarian" and immediately had someone call you a hypocrite by saying "Nice leather jacket you have there...and gee, is that a suede bag...those shoes leather, too?"
...you're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and it's those people over 40 you have to look out for
...you freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 50" age category on most questionnaires
...you have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age
...your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting"
...this timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life: --Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool. --Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cool, and you want one of every collectible out there. --Return of the Jedi hits the theaters...you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, and "teen"-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.
...you remember when the phrase "candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth" started getting followed by "yeah, but M&M's won't give you AIDS..."
...you've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?
...you can't remember a time when "hitting the outlet stores" didn't mean going to an electrical warehouse
...you're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all
...you're doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree
...you won't walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first name basis because "there's too many kids there"
...going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up
...you want to go out dancing, you really, REALLY do, but your back hurts, sorry
...you're starting to think that Corvettes really look good, and aren't REALLY for guy's going through a mid-life crisis and worried about their penis. That's not YOU.
...you're starting to get that "why aren't you married yet" shpiel, not just from parents, but now from friends that are married
...you've recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to do so
...you're finding that you just don't understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any more
...(mostly guys on this one) sex is still as much fun as it used to be, and you're still really interested in it, but you just want to make sure there's nothing really good on cable that you'd be missing first
...you ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon
...U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now
...you ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation
...when somone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end
...you remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.
...you ever used the phrase "don't make me angry...you wouldn't LIKE me when I'm angry" when trying to frighten someone off.
...you spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man
...you had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding (on General Hospital)
...you remember "Hey, let's be careful out there"
...you're parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway.
...you know who shot J.R.
...finally, this rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."

Ten Things That Would Be Different if Microsoft Started Building Cars:

1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.

5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast - but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.

6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.

8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.

9. The U.S. government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.

10. New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.

August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay:

Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert.

In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.

Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and instead, would focus the energy of the blast outwards and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket."

However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.

What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.

Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.

Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as he heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still.

"Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain to my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!"

Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a super heated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone which exited the mouthpiece burning his lips and face.

The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious.

The moral of the story? Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell out, "Hey, everyone, watch this!"

"Dew knot trussed yore spell check her two fined awl yore mistakes. " --Brendan Hills

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She ties to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when, to her great fortune...

The Wal-Mart manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good.

So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.

The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first -- sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.

Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.

The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous dinner but that it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal.

They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies. They listened as the alligator sang, ...

"Drained wops keep fallin' on my head."

REMEMBER WHEN:

An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account. And if you had a 3 1/2 floppy You hoped no one found out!

Compress was something you did to the garbage Not something you did to a file, And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail awhile!

Log on was adding wood to the fire. Hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived, And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife. Paste - you did with glue. A web was a spider's home, And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head. I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash, But when it happens they wish they were dead!

Eye halve a spelling check her

It came with my pea sea It plainly marcs four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My check her tolled me sew.

Things that make you go hmmm

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 
2. A day without sunshine is like, night. 
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 
4. I just got lost in thought, It was unfamiliar territory. 
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and then used against you. 
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 
11. Remember that half the people you know are below average. 
12. Despite the exorbitant cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? 
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool. 
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. 
20. I intend to live forever; so far, so good. 
21. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 
22. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. 
23. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. 
24. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 
25. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 
26. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. 
27. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 
28. Success always occurs in private and failure in public. 
29. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be draped on it. 
30. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. 
31. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. 
32. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 
33. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. 
34. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 
35. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 
36. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. 
37. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 
38. Change is inevitable except from vending machines. 
39. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade! 
40. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow. 
41. Always try to be modest and be proud of it! 
42. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things actually said in court, word for word....

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all? 
A: Yes. 
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
A: I forget. 
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you. 
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
Q: How long has he lived with you? 
A: Forty-five years.

Q: And where was the location of the accident? 
A: Approximately milepost 499. 
Q: And where is milepost 499? 
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? 
A: We both do. 
Q: Voodoo? 
A: We do. 
Q: You do? 
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? 
A: Yes. 
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? 
A: Yes, sir. 
Q: What did she say? 
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
A: Yes. 
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? 
A: Yes. 
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Can you describe the individual? 
A: He was about medium height and had a beard. 
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. 
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? 
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
A: No. 
Q: Did you check for blood pressure? 
A: No. 
Q: Did you check for breathing? 
A: No. 
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
A: No. 
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? 
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas? 
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York? 
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question. 
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago? 
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question. 
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami? 
WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp? 
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. 
LAWYER: It was covered? 
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged. 
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see? 
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..." 
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God." 
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..." 
WITNESS: That's right. 
CLERK: Repeat it. 
WITNESS: "Repeat it". 
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said. 
WITNESS: What you said when? 
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..." 
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give." 
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..." 
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth! 
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..." 
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know. 
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..." WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and." 
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...". 
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.) 
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..." 
WITNESS: Yes. 
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
CLERK: Well? Do so. 
WITNESS: You're confusing me. 
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...". 
CLERK: Yes. 
WITNESS: Okay. I understand. 
CLERK: Then say it. 
WITNESS: What? 
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..." 
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it. 
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..." 
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth! 
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth". 
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now? 
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words. 
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth." 
CLERK: Thank you. 
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed? 
WITNESS: I did. 
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond? 
WITNESS: I did. 
LAWYER: And did you observe anything? 
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.) 
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw? 
WITNESS: I saw George. 
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing? 
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.) 
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so? 
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks. 
LAWYER: His "thing"? 
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis. 
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him? 
WITNESS: Of course I did! 
LAWYER: What did you say to him? 
WITNESS: "Morning, George

POSITION: Mom

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: Must provide on-the-site training in basic life skills, such as nose blowing. Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution and crisis management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus. Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box, because you most likely will need it for a school project. Must reconcile petty cash payments and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more than me!" for the rest of your life.

Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing above mentioned skills in conflict resolution. Must be able to choose your battles and stick to your guns. Must be able to withstand criticism, such as "You don't know anything." Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars & coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices.

Also, must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because fund-raiser will be your middle name. Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions such as "What makes the wind move?" or "Why can't they just go in and shoot Saddam Hussein?" on the fly. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Training Courses Now Available for Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop 
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge 
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding 
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead 
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? : You CAN Tell the Difference! 
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I 
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II 
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore! 
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In 
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In 
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink 
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels! 
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper! 
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill 
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts 
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware 
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel! 
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means 
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut 
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television 
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote 
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh 
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet 
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed 
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It! 
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty 
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them 
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime 
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It.

The Y1K Bug Canterbury, England - A.D. 999 - An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called "Y1K" Bug," a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of.

Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.

Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony, and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be rewritten to accommodate three extra syllables. All of the tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost.

In the meantime, the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations, may be called into question. "We should have seen it coming," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael's Abbey, here in Canterbury. "What worries me most is that 'thousand' contains the word 'thou,' which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and of course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible confusion. Of course, we could always use Latin, but that might be even worse - The Latin word for 'thousand' is 'mille,' which is the same as the Latin for 'mile.' We won't know whether we're talking about time or distance!"

Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the whole medieval economy into chaos.

A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one of personal survival. Many families, in expectation of the worst, are stocking up on holy water and indulgences.

Note: Very little new construction was started in Europe between 985 and 1010 due to widespread belief that the world was coming to an immediate end.

NEW VIRUS

If you receive an email entitled "Fighting Canaries," delete it immediately. Do not open it.

Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will reprogram your phone AutoDial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank; it will drink all your sodas. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing the rendezvous to your VISA card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and tinea.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the message is opened in a Window 95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs of infection.

PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW and have a Happy Y2K!!!!

THE ALAN EDGAR POE COMPUTER

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets: Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer. Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!" One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made monstrous noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From " Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With my fingers pale and trembling, Slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee Timidly I pressed a key. But on the screen there still persisted, words appearing as before. Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off-guard - I pressed again, but twice as hard. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. then I tried in desperation, sev'ral random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, mocking, winking, flashing nonsense as before. Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted; by my own machine accosted Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know The place to which lost data goes. What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored, Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, in black holes? But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

A man holding a parrot came running and screaming into a veterinarian's office. The vet immediately brought him into an examining room.

The vet carefully examined the parrot, and then said to the man, "I'm sorry, but this bird is dead." The man began to cry, "No! No! That can't be true! I want another opinion."

The vet thought a second, then said, "okay," and left for the back office. He returned with a Black Labrador retriever. The Black Lab sniffed and sniffed the bird, finally letting out a low "woof" sound and looking up at the vet. The vet said to the man, "The dog thinks that the bird is dead too."

The man said, "I don't believe it! I want another opinion!" The vet then left with the Black Lab and came back with a cat. He placed the cat on the examination table. The cat walked over to the bird and sniffed and nudged it again and again. Finally, the cat shrugged its shoulders and walked away from the bird. The vet said, "The cat thinks it's dead too." The man sighed and said, "I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?"

The vet said, "That will be $600.00."

The horrified man said, "Six hundred bucks! Just to tell me my bird is dead? That's ridiculous! That's outrageous!"

The vet then said, "Well, I was going to charge you $50.00, but then I had to include the Lab fees and CAT scan."

One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.

And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pocket of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!"

She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?"

Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swing, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Lord God!" "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

T-Shirts For Women Who Take No Crap

1- I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day. 
2- Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. 
3- Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later. 
4- Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time. 
5- Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? 
6- I'm multi-talented: I can talk and tick you off at the same time. 
7- Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win. 
8- You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. 
9- Don't tick me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. 
10- Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares? 
11- I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. 
12- Next mood swing: 6 minutes. 
13- I hate everybody, and you're next. 
14- Please don't make me kill you. 
15- And your point is... 
16- I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now. 
17- All stressed out and no one to choke.

A Tragedy or a Great Loss

President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school, when the fourth grade was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, tragedy". So the President asks the class for "an example of a tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy."

"No", says Clinton," that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Mr. President, "that's what we would call a Great Loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.

President Clinton searches the room, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Clinton, were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well", says the boy, "it must be a tragedy, because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."

And God created woman, And she was good, And she had two arms, two legs and three breasts. And when God asked her what she would like to have changed about herself she asked for her middle breast to be removed. And it was good. She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob. And God created man.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her, Smile at her, Laugh with her, Cry with her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her, Give her jewelry, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand, Write love letters to her, Go the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked, Bring beer.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.

"And, most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

BENEFITS OF BEING A WOMAN

Kids say the darndest things

A first grader was sitting in class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?" Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" My friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know!, he said..... 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "So, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

Here is the LOST CHAPTER IN GENESIS....

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said: "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history....

A ship was sinking and four sailors from the ship were able to get a lifeboat into the water and climb into it safely.

As they relaxed, they decided to have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey to safety. The cigarettes were dry, but all their matches had become wet, so they had no way to light their cigarettes.

Finally, one of the sailors came up with a solution. He threw a cigarette overboard. This worked well, since they were able to smoke because the lifeboat had become a cigarette lighter.

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat standing upright underneath on the floor of the cave. Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow, "What the heck are you doing down there?"

And the fellow shouts back, "Yoga!"

An Asian man walks into the currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen, but gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The lady says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man says, "Fluc you clazy Amelicans too!"

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that.

The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms-both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport boundary. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin-but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

STAYING AFLOAT

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. Just three women entered the race: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.

About 40 minutes later the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared to be the second place finisher.

Nearly 48 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

[This item is ca. 2001.]

You know you're from Chicago if........

  1. The "Living Room" is called the "front room" (pronounced fronchroom)
  2. You don't pronounce the "s" at the end of Illinois. You become irate at people who do.
  3. You measure distance in minutes (especially "from the city"). And you swear everything is pretty much 15 minutes away.
  4. You have no problem spelling or pronouncing "Des Plaines".
  5. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
  6. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
  7. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
  8. Stores don't have sacks, they have bags.
  9. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example:" Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall I wanna go with."
  10. Your idea of a great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun," everything" is on it and a slice of dill pickle is on the side.
  11. You carry jumper cables in your car.
  12. You drink "pop."
  13. You understand that I-290, I-90, I-94, and I-294 are all different roads.
  14. You know the names of the interstates: Stevenson, Kennedy, Eisenhower, Dan Ryan, and the Edens.
  15. But you call the interstates "expressways"
  16. You refer to anything South of I-80 as "Southern Illinois".
  17. You refer to Lake Michigan as "The Lake".
  18. You refer to Chicago as "The City".
  19. "The Super Bowl" refers to one specific game in a series of 35 played in January of 1986.
  20. No matter where you are, when you hear the term "Downtown" you immediately assume they're talking about Downtown Chicago.
  21. You have two favorite football teams: The Bears, and anyone who beats the Packers!
  22. You buy "The Trib".
  23. You think 35 degrees is great weather to wash your car!
  24. You know what goes on a Chicago Style Hot Dog.
  25. You know what Chicago Style Pizza REALLY is.
  26. You know why they call Chicago "The Windy City".
  27. You understand what "lake-effect" means.
  28. You know the difference between Amtrak and Metra, and know which station they end up at.
  29. You have ridden the "L".
  30. You can distinguish between the following area codes: 847, 630, 773, 708, 312, & 815
  31. You have at some time in your life, used your furniture to guard your parking spot in winter. (CHICAGO CLASSIC!!)
  32. You respond to the question "Where are you from" with a side". Example: "WEST SIDE", "SOUTH SIDE" or "NORTH SIDE."
  33. You know what the phone number is to Empire Carpet!

THE TRUTH ABOUT DRINKING BEER

The "smartest" thing Cliff EVER said on Cheers! One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went.

"Well ya see Norm, it's like this....A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more.

One of the employees called in to say that she couldn't come to work because she "...had to have an autopsy."

Our former boss suffered from the excessive use of mixed metaphors. An all-time howler was the day we asked him what his plans were to ensure success for a campaign and his reply was "Don't worry; I've got an ace up my hole."

When a high-powered agent of the company walked into the lunch room, our secretary remarked to our group that she couldn't stand him because he was "so ego-testicle." One of my cow-orkers spit coffee out of his nose, which just added to the moment.

Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.

HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.

WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there might also be life.

HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent.

A man is lost in a balloon when he spies a guy below.

The man asks the guy "Where am I?"

The guy answers "You're 10 meters up in the air."

The man in the balloon gets angry and says to the guy "You must be a computer guy."

The guy is surprised and asks "How did you know?"

The man responds "Because your answer is accurate but useless."

The guy on the ground gets angry and says to the man in the balloon "You must be a business man."

The man is surprised and asks "How did you know?"

The guy responds "Because you got lost, are still lost, and you're blaming the computer guy."

Duck Hunters

Two hunters from Michigan -(true story told on a radio station in Michigan) decided to go duck hunting. One of the guys had bought a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle.

They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40 second fuse. Now these two rocket scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where thay are standing (and the new Navigator) because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibley go up in smoke with the resulting blast.

They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite